Susan and Her Brothers

by Chris Guyotte

(Lights go down to where the audience can see only silhouettes on the stage; an old man enters and moves down stage. As soft music starts to underscore, a spot light picks him up down center. Susan and brothers enter and move to opposite sides of the stage; Brothers should be dressed alike so that it is obvious that they are twins.)

FATHER: Once upon a time, long, long ago, before the world had grown old and when the people still believed in magic, in a small village, in a kingdom that was not too far from where we stand right now, lived a family. (Lights come up on Brothers.) Now the Father, that’ll be me, lived with his two strong (brothers stand and do manly pose, ala male body builders, this should be done in this scene only) sons.

CHADEUS: (Brothers use an accent that sounds like it might be Russian, or Polish, something possibly Eastern European.) We are two bigga, stronga brothers.

THADDEUS: ya we are two big, stronga brothers.

FATHER: These boys were bright.

THADDEUS: Why yeas we are very smaht ahrent we Chadeus?

CHADEUS: Yeas we are b-r-i-t-e bright!

THADDEUS: (Whacks Chadeus) That’s b-r-i- um . . .

SUSAN: (Susan steps into brother’s light). . g-h-t. B-r-i-g-h-t, spells bright.

CHADEUS: Quiet! The men are talking. Go do some girl stuff and leave us alone. (Susan steps out of light again) Well, anyway, we’re really smart.

FATHER: These boys were charming.

CHADEUS: Ey, you goil, bring me soma dat day’re grub. (Susan brings on some food, brothers eat it very noisily)

THADDEUS: (Burping) Burrrrrrrrrrp! Ahhhh Now dat feels bettah.

FATHER: Now in the same house lived a girl named Susan. She was very ummm. (Thinking and perplexed) She was a girl!

SUSAN: (Susan steps into Father’s light.) Is that all you can say? I work hard around here. I cook, I clean I scrub. I milk the cow. Ah I guess it doesn’t really matter any way.

CHADEUS: Hey, you’re only a girl. You ain’t so good as we are. Why we’re smart . . .

THADDEUS: Yeah and were charmin’ . . .

CHADEUS: and we’re strong, not weak like a little girly girl. (Susan gives up and steps out of light again)

FATHER: Well, you see how it was. I loved all my children, but the boys were my great joy. I couldn’t wait to give them the family mill. I had built it into a booming business and wanted  my boys to have it. The business was for the boys. (Lights come up on whole stage)

THADDEUS: Business shmusiness. We want to go off and have great adventures.

CHADEUS: Yeah! We want to be heroes like those guys the uhhh, uhmmm.

SUSAN: You mean the knights of old?

BROTHERS: Yeah, like them old knights.

FATHER: Now then, I didn’t want to let my sons go adventuring, because boys who went adventuring didn’t always come back. You know what I mean?

THADDEUS: I want to go adventuring. Please let me go?

FATHER: Well?

CHADEUS: Please? Please?

FATHER: I don’t know.

BROTHERS: Please, please, please?

SUSAN: Why don’t you let one of them go for a year, and when he comes back, the other one can go.
 
FATHER: No, no, no, that will never work! Listen, I have a better idea. I’ll let one of you go for a year, and when he comes back, the other one can go. (The brothers enthusiastically agree that this is a good idea. This will happen every time Father uses one of Susan's ideas.)

THADDEUS: Well then, I’ll go. I’m the oldest.

CHADEUS: Hey, we’re twins! Besides, I’ll go I’m the b-r-i-t, well . . .   I’m the smartest anyway.

THADDEUS: I am going!

CHADEUS: No. I’m going

THADDEUS: Me.

CHADEUS: No, no, no. I’m going. I’ve got brains, I’ve got smarts, and besides I’m the one who’s knowing how to read these charts
 
THADDEUS: Yes, my brother, that is true. At least that is what you say, but I am ten times stronger than you. I’m the one to go away

CHADEUS:  I’m gonna have a good time.

THADDEUS: I’m gonna be a star.

CHADEUS: It’s gonna be so sublime.

THADDEUS: I’m gonna travel far.

CHADEUS: No, brother, you need to stay here, and mind the family farm. I am gonna go out to show off all my charm.

THADDEUS: No brother, you need to stay here or I’m gonna punch you out.

CHADEUS: What did you say? Why I’m gonna . . . (Brothers square off.)

THADDEUS: Oh yeah you just try it .   .   .

SUSAN: (Taking charge) Stop it, stop it, both of you. Why don’t you flip a coin?

FATHER: Now, now, girl. You just do your dishes and let us men do the thinking. (She backs up, crushed, and insulted.) Now boys, I have a great idea. Let’s flip a coin. The one who calls it right gets to go on an adventure.

THADDEUS: I’ll go for that. If I win, I will be free forever.

CHADEUS: Hey, if he wins, I don’t want to be stuck here forever.

FATHER: What else can we do, boys? One of you needs to stay here and run the family mill.

SUSAN: Why doesn’t the winner go for only a year, like we talked about before?

THADDEUS: WOULD YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!? What business do you have thinking? Go clean the house or something and let us men do the thinking.
 
FATHER: Leave your sister alone. She’s only trying to help. Maybe she’s right. (He thinks about this for a minute) Nahhhhhh.   Now I have just come up with a great idea. How about if the winner agrees to come back in a year?

THADDEUS: Well, I don’t know.

SUSAN: Thaddeus, please come back after a year. I’ll miss you very much if you go away, but if I know that you’ll come back to us, I’ll feel much, much better.

THADDEUS: (Macho older brother going off to protect his sister from the evils of the world.) Well Sis, you know I love ya. If want me to come back in a year, That’s what I’ll do.

CHADEUS: Well, what about me? Do you want me to come back in a year, too?

SUSAN: Of course I do. I want you to be where I know you’re safe. If you have to go, then I want to know that you’ll be coming back.

CHADEUS: Aw gee, Sis, that’s the most beautiful, mushy thing I ever heard. Okay, I promise.

FATHER: Okay, now that you’ve both made that promise, get ready to call it. Thaddeus, you call it in the air. Heads or tails. Ready? (He flips the coin)

THADDEUS: Heads.

FATHER: (With his hands still covering the coin) Okay Chadeus, you look. What is it?

CHADEUS: I can’t. I’m so excited. Thad, you look.

THADDEUS: No, Chad . You look.

FATHER: All right. Susan, you do it. (Susan comes over and takes a look at the coin)

SUSAN: It’s . . .

CHADEUS: (Cutting her off) What?

THADDEUS: What is it?

SUSAN: It’s heads.

THADDEUS: It’s heads? (Doing a little jig for joy) You mean I win? I get to go. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll leave right now. (Starts to go, gets halfway across stage and is stopped by Susan’s next line)

SUSAN: Uh. . . Aren’t you forgetting something?

THADDEUS:   Ah umm, (Patting pockets and bring out useless junk, any thing but what Susan lists)  no, no I don’t think I’m forgetting anything. Is there something else I need?

SUSAN: You need money and something to drink and lunch. (She gives him two sacks and a jug.) Money, lunch, and a jug of fine grape juice for when you get thirsty.

THADDEUS: Oh. Thanks, Sis. You’re the best. Well, bye all. Gotta go. (Hugs all around, and Thaddeus Exits)

FATHER: Well, Thad didn’t have the best trip ever. (Scene changes to forest, Thad Enters and sits dejectedly on a stump.)

THADDEUS: Fine adventure this is turning out to be. I haven’t found anything interesting at all to do. I’m tired and hungry and I don’t even know if I have enough money to get back home. On top of everything else, it’s almost dark, and I don’t know my way out of this forest. Well, at least I have this good food and grape juice to cheer me up.

FATHER: As he sat on a stump under an old gnarled tree and opened his food sack, he heard a noise.
 
OLD LADY: (Old Lady tries not to   rhyme, but has to because she is under a curse, she should try to fight   it every so often.) Crackle, Crackle crunch and munch. Won’t you give an old lady some lunch?

FATHER: Well, you know Thaddeus was usually a decent sort of fellow, but he was hungry and thirsty and he wasn’t sure that he would have enough food for himself.
 
THADDEUS: I’m sorry, old lady, but you will have to fend for yourself because I don’t know if have enough food   for me.

OLD LADY: A coin, then, so that I can go and buy a little hen?
 
THADDEUS: Look. I only have enough money and food for myself. Now leave me alone.

OLD LADY: A little drink would slake my thirst and I’d feel no . . . worst?

THADDEUS: (Standing over her and yelling at her until she is cowed) No, you can’t have any of MY food, My money or MY grape juice, because it’s MINE you silly goose. Now get out of here and leave me alone. (Makes a kick at her) Get on, get out of here you old . . .(Old Lady shuffles off) Who do these people think they are? They ought to just get jobs and leave us decent folk alone. (He walks off)

FATHER: Well, the old lady thought that was pretty rude.

OLD LADY: (In a magical tone but not singing)

I asked for food you gave me none.
Asked for coin, not even one

I asked for juice
And you said, “it’s mine you silly goose.”

Now I give you this curse as a reward for your generosity.

May you have trouble on your way
In this forest you will stay

You’ll be as stone no way to move.
Until a savior comes that I approve!

FATHER: That Old Lady’s spell didn’t take long to come true. In just a little while Thaddeus began to feel tired and his arm and legs began to hurt.

THADDEUS: (Moving sluggishly, but struggling to go on) Oh, I’m tired. And my arms and legs feel like stones. I   . . . can   . . .barely . . . mo . . . (He turns to stone)

FATHER: Right there! Right where he stood, he turned to stone. . (Old Lady covers him with bushes and weeds and then exits.) Before long, the birds of the forest lost their fear of him (Pulls a bird from somewhere and places it atop Thaddeus’ Head) and made their nests on his head, and at his feet the bushes and weeds (Pointing to the weeds placed there by the old lady, and adding more) grew high; until they were so high that one had to get very close to realize that there was a statue in there. (A dog runs across stage)

TRAVELER: (Enters Looking for his Dog, hits his head on Thaddeus Dressed in a costume that is not same as the rest of the story, Maybe a safari costume.) Here Claudius, Here boy. Here Claudius. Ouch! Hey, there’s a statue in there. What a weird place. I’ll just keep going.

(Exiting and continuing off stage) Here Claudius, Here boy. Come to your daddy. . .

FATHER: Meanwhile back at home a year went by and then six more months.

CHADEUS: (Susan is working and lifting bags of flour while Chadeus is resting) I wish Thad would come home soon. I am sick of coming to the mill everyday and working so hard. I've missed my mid-morning nap three times this week!

SUSAN: Well, I hope that Thaddeus comes home soon too. I miss him, but since he’s been gone I have been so happy working at the mill every day. (This line is a huge hint to Chadeus to get him to work) Without his help though, we won’t be able to keep the mill going. (Susan tries to lift one more bag, but it drops when Chad stands up and stretches luxuriously and hits the grain bag she is holding)

CHADEUS: Be careful! Do I have to do all the work around here? (He makes no attempt to help Susan) What are you thinking anyway? Do you think wheat grows by the side of the road?

SUSAN: I’m sorry. I was just thinking about Thaddeus. Uhm and yes . . . wheat does grow by the side of the road.

CHADEUS: Oh. Well I want to have my adventure! (whining) Where is he? You know what I’m going to do? (Stands and makes a declaration) I’m going to go find him and send him home so that he can take my place, and then I can go out to make my fortune and have my adventure. (He stalks past Susan and knocks her over again)

FATHER: So Chadeus got ready to go.

CHADEUS: Susan, where are my things? I need to have my things so that I can go out and look for Thad (Susan gets up and moves to where Chad is standing, picks up his things and gives them to him)

SUSAN: Now, please be sure that you come home in one year if you don’t find him. I would hate to lose both of my brothers. Here are your things. Here is some money, some lunch, and some old cider.

CHADEUS: (Appalled) Cider?

SUSAN: I’m sorry about that but we haven’t had a good grape harvest this year. I can’t give you grape juice like I gave Thad.

CHADEUS: Well I’m not happy about it but it’ll have to do. Take care of yourself, Dad. And Susan make sure you keep up this old place. Don’t make Dad do it, it’s women’s work to clean the house you know.  Susan: Right. ( Chad exits)

Father: So Chadeus set out to find his brother and to have a grand adventure.

CHADEUS: (Chadeus enters the same forest and sits on the same stump as Thaddeus, even their manner is the same.) Some adventure this is turning out to be. I haven’t found anything interesting at all to do. I haven’t found Thad, I’m tired and hungry, and I don’t even know if I have enough money to get back home. To make things worse, it’s almost dark, and I don’t know my way out of this forest. Well, at least I have this food (He pulls a large sandwich out of the bag) and Cider to cheer me up. (Drinks deeply)
 
OLD LADY: Snicker Snack Snicker Snack, can you spare some food from your sack?

CHADEUS: Well I don’t know, I think you can have this bit of food (He hands her a tiny portion of dried crust from his huge sandwich) It’s stale and I wouldn’t eat it anyway. (He takes   a bite out of his sandwich, then takes a good long pull from the flask.)

OLD LADY: This crust is dry and stale, could you please share your ale?

CHADEUS: Well let me see, (he drinks the flask dry) Nope, all gone. Why don’t you leave me alone. I gave you some food, isn’t that good enough? Go away.
 
OLD LADY: That kind of food just makes me gag, might I have a small coin from your bag. I would like to think it’ll buy me a good long drink.

CHADEUS: (Mimicking her) “It’ll buy me a good long drink.” No! You can’t have a coin. I've been very generous with you now go away, you bother me! Don‘t you have some laundry to do or something? Go away. (He chases her off) Go on— git. Go away, I gave you some food and you just want more. Now, I’ll probably starve. Go away . . . (Old Lady goes to edge of stage and watches him start to exit mumbling.) Some people don’t know their station in life.

OLD LADY: (Casting a spell) You are just like your brother, only worse.

Now I give to you a stronger curse.
Near your brother you shall stay
For this insult you will pay.

You have put me in a rage
I will throw you in a cage

A sad song you will whistle
Hanging from your brother’s Thistle

You will sing and you will trill
‘Til there comes upon this hill

girl who’s strong and bright
She will be your guiding light

 (She disappears)

FATHER: Do you know what happened next? Chadeus started singing. (Father puts on mask and becomes old man lost in the forest) Pardon me lad, but could you tell me which way to the nearest town?

CHADEUS: Why yes. It’s just back there a tweet. (Chadeus is mortified)

FATHER: Pardon me, but did you say it was just back there a tweet?

CHADEUS: Pardon me! I’m tweet. It’s not to tweet, tweet, tweet. (Again he is so surprised that he stops, horrified.) What’s happening tweet, tweet, My tweet hands are turning into tweet Oh no. Tweet, tweet, tweet.

FATHER: Sorry, but I don’t quite understand. I think I’ll keep going this way. Uh, by your leave.

CHADEUS: (Pleading for help) Tweet, Tweet, tweet, tweet (Old Lady covers him in a net and hangs him up near Thaddeus)
 
FATHER: Poor Chadeus. He was hung in a cage near his brother, but of course he didn’t know that. His song was so sad that people traveling through the forest would cry for many days after they   heard it.

TRAVELER: (Same Traveler as before) Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhhhh, Boooooooooo, Hoooooooooo, Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwl.
 
FATHER: See? Poor fella. Well, meanwhile at home things were not going well. Susan not only had her own work, but she also had to do the work that Chadeus and Thaddeus had left behind when they had gone to find their fortunes. She was beginning to wonder what might have become of them when the same Old Lady appeared tired and hungry at the mill.

SUSAN: (Coming on with a wheelbarrow full of wheat) I’m really sick of   this. Dad’s too old to work, and I can’t do it all by myself. We’re losing money. I wish they’d come back soon. What could have happened to them?(Susan puts hand over her eyes to look over the horizon. Old Lady enters and moves right next to Susan, and adopts the same posture, they turn in opposite directions until they are looking at each other) Ah! you scared me.

OLD LADY:

Look at you child
Working all alone
Your hair is wild
Your body just skin and bone
 
SUSAN: (Still a bit off guard) Hello, Old Mother. How may I be of service to you?

OLD LADY:

I have no food
I have no drink
My dress is crude
I’m starting to . . . shrink.

SUSAN: Well, let’s get some food into you. And I think I have a new dress for you. Are you tired? Why don’t you lay down on my bed and go to sleep?
 
OLD LADY:

Thank you kindly
You’ve been a true friend
You helped me blindly
Now your troubles I will end

You wonder where your brothers are?
They are in a forest away so far
On a journey you must go today
To help your brothers find their way

One brother is a statue grand
Until you save him there he’ll stand
The other is a bird up in a cage
Up above the brush and sage

SUSAN: Oh, my poor brothers! I need to save them! How can I find them?

FATHER: Susan was worried sick about her brothers, she knew that she would have to save them. When she found out that they had treated the Old Lady so unkindly. . .(Old Lady does a dumb show displaying how she had been treated by Susan’s brothers. Susan responds appropriately.)

SUSAN: (Horrified) No . . . He didn’t!. . . (Disgusted) He did? How terrible . . . (Confused)That’s not like him at all.
 
FATHER:   . . . she felt that they had received just punishment.

SUSAN: (Feeling righteous indignation)Well, that’ll teach the lunkheads. (truly apologetic) I’m sorry they treated you so badly. But they are my brothers, and we do need their help here. (Getting an idea) Is there any way I can make up for it?

OLD LADY:

This is a very kind request to make.
I will tell you for your sake.

It will not be easy though
A long hard road you must go.

You are sure that you are able
To be like a horse out of the stable?

Once step down this long road
No one can help to lighten your load.

 
SUSAN: I know they have been jerks but they are my brothers and I have to help them. I’ll do what ever you ask just name it.
 
FATHER: The Old Lady told Susan that there were three tasks that she had to do to save her brothers. first . . .

OLD LADY:

There is an old Spirit who is quite rude.
He scares the villagers, and eats them as food.

He is very rich and very old
Get rid of him, and get his Gold

FATHER: Second . . .
 
OLD LADY:

There is a young boy who knows not fear
A lion roars, he doesn’t hear.

Teach this brave boy to be afraid,
and happy you’ll be, pretty maid .

FATHER: Third.

OLD LADY:

I pray you to help me for I am curst
At daybreak into daisy I must burst

Lift this rhyming and flowering blight and
I'll live as woman from morning to night.

If you can do all of these things for me
Then your hapless brothers I will set free!
 
FATHER: So Susan made a decision.

SUSAN:   I have no idea how I’m going to do this. But I have to save my brothers. The fools. (Making up her mind, checking   supplies) All right, let’s see. I have no money, I have nothing to eat , and I have nothing to drink. I guess I’m ready to go. Now, where do you think an evil spirit would be? Would they be that way? How about that way? Or maybe it’s this way. Okay, I’ll go this way. (She heads off in the same direction as the brothers.)

FATHER: Susan walked down the road, going where she wasn’t sure. But she knew that she would know when she knew. (He thinks this over making sure he can understand what he just said, giving up, meanwhile Susan is in the same location as her brothers.)

SUSAN: This forest sure is dark. (A grumbling sound is heard Susan thinks it’s her stomach) Wow, I’m really hungry. Maybe I’ll sing a song to keep my mind off my stomach. Um let’s see I know one.

Tee tah tee tah tee tah too
toodle oodle oodle oodle ooddle ooo

Tee tah tee tah tee tah too
toodle oodle oodle oodle ooo

I just love the big old forest
I just love the open road
I am off to save my brothers
I can’t wait to see them home

CHADEUS: (a little too enthusiastic, chirping and trying to get Susan’s attention)

Tee tah tee tah tee tah too
toodle oodle oodle oodle ooddle ooo
Tee tah tee tah tee tah too
toodle oodle oodle oodle ooo

SUSAN:

I’m a girl who’s going away
come what will and come what may . . .

(coming to a realization)


and this song is really bad
its the worst I’ve ever had
 
CHADEUS:

Tee tah tee tah tee tah too
toodle oodle oodle oodle ooddle ooo . . .

SUSAN: Who wrote this stuff? Oh forget it. I’m too tired to sing anyway.

SPIRIT: (Voice played by same actor as Thaddeus, using a very loud deep booming voice, with reverb if possible, the Spirit works best if it can be done with a huge sheet, and a large brown jug.) I liked it, I think you should sing it again. It’s pretty.

SUSAN: (Looking around to find out who she’s talking to) No, it’s not, it’s dumb. I’m not going to sing it. SPIRIT: You will sing it or I will turn you into a . . . ah . . . Cheese wheel!!!!!!

SUSAN: A what?

SPIRIT: A Cheese wheel!!!!!

SUSAN: That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. A cheese wheel? Boy, that is dumb.

SPIRIT: Are you calling me dumb?

SUSAN: Well if the shoe fits . . .

SPIRIT: You take that back or I’ll . . .   

SUSAN: What? Turn me into a cheese wheel? Who are you anyway?

SPIRIT: (In a loud rumbling scary voice) I am the great and terrible Spirit of Imabuffoon. I have lived for a million years. I have the power to move the oceans and wake the skies. I can make the earth shudder . .

SUSAN: And turn me into a cheese wheel? . . Oooooh look at me I’m just   quakin’ in my boots over here.

SPIRIT: You should be afraid of me. I can do terrible things to you.

SUSAN: (Seeing bottle and getting idea)Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, you may be a big scary Spirit, but I am smarter than you.

SPIRIT: Ah hahahahahahahahah, you a tiny little girly girl? You think you are smarter than me? (Scary voice again) I have lived a thousand years, I know the secrets of the centuries. No way are you smarter than me.

SUSAN: Oh yeah? How did you come to live here?

SPIRIT: (Remembering with pleasure) I tricked a poor farmer into letting me out of the bottle that I had been trapped in for a thousand years, and then I ate him for lunch. After that I set about scaring the villagers. It’s so much fun to watch then run around like scared chickens that I decided to stay.

SUSAN: You were trapped in a bottle? . . . No you weren’t. I don’t believe you.

SPIRIT   — I was too trapped in a bottle. I lived there for a thousand years and got madder with every passing day. After a while I swore that I would eat who ever took pity on me and let me out. Then the stupid farmer, who was much smarter than you are, let me out, and as I’ve already said, I ate him. (Scary voice) AHahahahahahahahahahahaha.

SUSAN: Where is the bottle then?(pretending not to see it) I still don’t believe you.

SPIRIT: Stupid girl. Here it is, right here. There now, who’s the smartest?

SUSAN: I’m still the smartest. I don’t believe you were trapped in that bottle.

SPIRIT: I was trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

SUSAN:  No way! You’re way too big.

SPIRIT: I am a Spirit. I can get smaller when I want to. Idiot!

SUSAN: I am not an idiot. Everyone knows that something as big as you cannot fit into that bottle.

SPIRIT: You want to make a bet?

SUSAN: You've got to be kidding. You cannot fit into that bottle.

SPIRIT: Yes, I can! I’ll prove it. If I can’t fit into that bottle, I’ll give you all the gold and silver and riches I have ever had. If I can fit into that bottle, I get to have you and everyone you know as my slaves for eternity. Is that fair?

SUSAN: Hmmmm . . . but how do I know that you hold up your end of the deal? After all, you did eat that poor farmer after he took pity on you and let you out of the bottle.
SPIRIT: Okay. ZAP.(He should say Zap) Right now your family has all of my riches. Is that fair?”

SUSAN: Fine, but you're being really dumb. You can’t fit into that bottle.

SPIRIT: Oh yeah? Watch this. (Spirit turns into smoke and disappears. This can be done by having a string attached to the cloth and threaded through a hole in the bottom of the brown jug. If fog is hosed into the jug this will make the effect stronger.)

SUSAN: Spirit? Where are you? Are you in there?

SPIRIT: Yes, I am, Hahahahahahahahah in the bottle. I won. Stupid girl. (Sings tauntingly, as a small child who is making fun of someone else would)) I won hun, I won hun, I won hun, and you’re really stupid,   and you’re really st . . . (Susan grabs the cork and quickly shoves it into the top of the bottle.) Hey! What are you doing? Hey!! That’s not fair! Let me out. Let me out. 

SUSAN: Ha. I got you. See? I am smarter than you. I trapped you and now I will bury your bottle so deeply that no one will ever find it again.

SPIRIT: This is not fair. Let me out!

SUSAN: Yes, but I have only done to you what you did to the poor farmer, and the people will be glad to be rid of you.

SPIRIT: (In a loud, rumbling, scary voice) I am the great and terrible Spirit of Imabuffoon. I have lived for a million years. I have the power to move the oceans and wake the skies. I can make the earth shudder . . .

SUSAN: Oh can it. (Shoves the bottle into her dress pocket.)

FATHER: Susan had beaten the Terrible Spirit. As she traveled home, she met people on the way who somehow knew that she had beaten the Spirit. It was a mystery as to how the news had traveled so fast..

NEWSBOY: HEY! READ ALL ABOUT IT. SUSAN BEATS SPIRIT. SPIRIT IN THE BOTTLE. EXTRA! EXTRA! (This should be repeated throughout cross, and off stage.)

FATHER: As she traveled, the grateful people gave her gifts and money for her great deed.  

TRAVELER: Hey, Susan thank you for saving us all from the terrible Spirit of ImaBuffoon. As a token of the town’s appreciation we would like to give you all the gold and riches we can carry.

SUSAN: Why thank you, but I have already beaten the Spirit, and I won his riches so I don’t really need any more. Why don’t you give them back to the people of the town, I’m sure they can use them.

TRAVELER: Why thank you very much that’s just what we’ll do.

SUSAN: I have to get working on the second task. The Old Lady told me that there is a boy not too far from here that doesn’t know what fear is. Do you know where I can find this boy?

TRAVELER: Yes, as a matter of fact I do. You can find him at the gates of the town tonight.

SUSAN: I have to find something that he is afraid of. I think I’ll try scaring him like a ghost!

FATHER: Now, the boy who didn’t know what fear was had been put on duty guarding the town at night when no one else would take the job. Susan decided to sneak up on him just after midnight . . . the witching hour. Susan borrowed and old sheet from the villagers . . .

SUSAN: (Using her ghost voice.) BOOOOYYY, BOOOOOYYYY, BOOOOOYYYYYYYY, aren’t you afraid of me, BOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYY?

BOY:  (Can be played by Thaddeus) Pardon me? Oh, hello. Who might you be? Would you like some of my hot cider? (He reaches out to offer it to her and knocks Susan down the stairs.) 

SUSAN: BOOOOOOOOOY. AHHHHHHHHH, HELP! OH OUCH.

BOY: Oh I’m sorry. Let me help you up. Sorry. (Pulls off sheet) Oh hi. Isn’t it hard to see through that sheet?

SUSAN: Ah yeah its hard to see through the sheet. (He tries to help her up she refuses politely) Weren’t you afraid of me?

BOY: Afraid? No, what’s that?

SUSAN:  When you’re afraid you want to run away.

BOY: I didn’t want to run away. I just thought you might want to talk and came out to see me because I was the only one awake. (He looks at her and then looks away confused)

SUSAN: Yeah yeah, I couldn’t sleep (Feigns yawning) Boy am I tired. (She looks at him and instantly realizes how good looking he is. Then looks away before he can catch her staring) Uhm well look I, ah, have to go now. Bye.

BOY: (Still confused, but pleasantly confused) Ah goodnight.

FATHER: The next night Susan tried again to scare the boy, but this time she made sure to scare him from a place where he couldn’t see her. (From house)

SUSAN: (Yelling into a megaphone) Meeeeeeeeeeoooooooowwwwww, Rooooooooaaaaaaarrrrr! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

BOY: (nonchalantly) What’s that?

SUSAN: GRRRRRRRRRR, ROOOOAAAARRRRRR, MEEEEEEOOOOOOW.

BOY: It sounds like a some tigers are fighting over there. I better make them be quiet before they wake up the village. I’ll throw a bucket of water on them. (Exits, and comes back with a bucket of water.)

SUSAN: ROOOOAARRR, MEEEEOOOOOWWWWW, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

BOY: Here’s the bucket of water. (He throws it on Susan.)

SUSAN: GRRRRRRRR RAAAAHARRRRRR ROOOOAAAAARR AHHHH. Hey! What’d you do that for?

BOY: Oh my goodness, is that you? What are you doing down there? Sorry.

SUSAN: Oh . . . (Frustrated) that’s all right. Do you have a towel or coat up there?

BOY   — Yeah, hang on, I have my cloak. Why don’t you take it with you so that you don’t catch a cold.

SUSAN: Thanks, uh, bye.

FATHER: By this time Susan had just about given up.

SUSAN: Oh forget it, he’s not afraid of anything. Maybe the Old Lady can give me some other task. Well, I better take his cloak back to him.

FATHER: The boy was still calmly guarding the city when Susan found him the next night.

SUSAN: Hey, I brought back your cloak.

BOY: Oh thanks. Did you get cold on the way home?

SUSAN: No. Your cloak kept me warm. Uhm. Do you think that I could keep it?

BOY: Sure, I guess so. Why would you want an old ratty cloak though. Obviously, you could buy as many as you want.

SUSAN: Well, uh it makes me think of you.

BOY: Uh you want to think of me?

SUSAN: Yeah I think you’re kind of cute.(Boy starts shaking and twitching uncontrollably as if he is scared)

BOY: Ahhhh, Ahhhhh, you think I’m cute? Uhhhmm, well, thanks. Suddenly I can’t stop shaking. Uhm, I have to go.

SUSAN: Hey, what’s wrong.

BOY: I don’t know. I'm kind of scared you know? (Mumbling under his breath.) You're really great.

SUSAN: No!

BOY: Yes!

SUSAN: Ha ha No.

BOY: Yup, Ha ha ha.

SUSAN: No, that can’t be?

BOY:  (Getting mad, and loud.) Yes, that’s it. I think you’re beautiful too.

SUSAN: Thanks! Oh you are so great. You don’t know how much you’ve helped me.

BOY: Well, I’m glad I helped you, but what did I do?

SUSAN: You were scared by love, ya big lug. (She punches him on the shoulder sending him sprawling, realizing   what she’s just done she quickly helps him up and continues) Hey listen, I have some things to do but when I’m done, can I see you again?

BOY:  Sure. I’ll be right here guarding the town. I can’t wait.

SUSAN: Great. Well, uh, I have to go. Bye

BOY: Bye.

FATHER: Susan was so happy. But she had one more thing she had to do. Now, it happened that on the way home in the very early morning, Susan passed a field full of daisies . . .

SUSAN: Hey look, a field full of daisies. At daybreak into a daisy I always burst, Lift this rhyming and flowering blight, I can live as woman from morning to night. I wonder . . . (She walks through the flowers, the audience, looking at all of them)    Nope . . . nope . . Wait! Wait! Look! (It’s not it) Nope . . . Wait here it is. I found it I found it (she picks the flower, and the Old Lady appears)

OLD LADY: Oh thank goodness that’s over. I was really getting sick of being a daisy. It’s so much nicer to be able to walk around and enjoy myself during the day instead of watching the world go by.

SUSAN: Hey. Why are you talking like that?

OLD LADY: Like what?

SUSAN: You’re not making those rotten rhymes.

OLD LADY: Oh that. It was part of the curse, I had to do that to make people listen to me. If I just talked like this all the time no one paid any attention. But I was definitely getting sick of having to come up with those horrible rhymes . . .   Susan, how did you know which flower was the right one?

SUSAN: Well, as I was walking I thought about the curse on you. It said that you had to become a flower at daybreak. And I remembered that the dew falls just before dawn. So if I got to the flowers before sun dried the dew, I would be able to see it.

OLD LADY: So?

SUSAN: So, I looked for a dry flower and when I found one, I picked it. I was right.

OLD LADY: Yes you were right, thank you for rescuing me.

SUSAN: You’re welcome. (Getting a thought suddenly) Oh my, what about my brothers? This wasn’t all a joke was it? You weren’t putting me on, were you?

OLD LADY: Oh no! That was all real. Your brothers really were a statue and a bird. But you’ve broken the spell with your cleverness and kindness. I thought about taking the spell off your brothers as soon as you gave me food and a place to sleep.

SUSAN: (Feeling used and angry now) Well, why didn’t you?

OLD LADY: Just think for a minute about what you’ve done. You saved the villagers from that terrible Spirit, and you found yourself someone special. And now you’ve rescued your brothers from my spell. You are strong, but if you hadn’t done those things you would have let those boys push you around forever. Now you . . . well look at you.

SUSAN: Hey, that’s right. I did do all those things, didn’t I?

OLD LADY: Yes, you did. Now you better get home to see your brothers.

FATHER: Well, Susan went home as fast as she could. When she got there, she found her brothers talking about their adventures.

THADDEUS: (Holding a newspaper with Susan Headline). . . Then she turned me into a statue and I had to stand there while bird sat on my head. It was no fun. Then Susan did all those things and saved me.

CHADEUS: Well, I was hanging in a tree and I couldn’t talk. Every time I said something everybody ran off crying.

SUSAN: Thad! Chad ! Dad! How are you, I’m so glad to see you (Hugs) . . . Dad, I see you’re feeling better.

FATHER: It was just that I was too tired from working the mill with just you and me. It made me sick. I’ve been getting better since you brought the Spirit’s treasure.
 
CHADEUS: Hey, Susan, how are you, I heard about the Spirit . . .  

THADDEUS: Thank you, can’t wait to meet yer new guy. Wow, think of all that loot . . .   Etc. (They talk and hug all at once)

FATHER: Well, That is the story of Susan and her brothers. The brothers always treat people just as they would like to be treated now. Oh, the family decided that they didn’t want to sell the mill. Instead they hired people to run it for them. And as far as I know, Susan is still with that fine fella. She might even have married him by now. But they are still living happily to this day. If you don’t believe this story I’ll tell you about the fish that jumped into the mouth of the cat. The end.

ALL: Bye, thanks. Bye etc.

THE END


Author:  Chris Guyotte
Distributor/Publisher:  http://www.freeplays.org

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